Eggs,Ham and Stale(mate) toast..... Double Dunce Table Toppers

Yes alright.... busy week so it's a Bogof, you lucky lucky people.

Tuesday 13th... Egg&Ham fry up the motorway.
So there we were, belting it up the motorway towards historic EggHam & Chips to partake in another new ground. Standing out like a budget deep fat fryer in a window display for black Friday, the Runnymede Stadium was tagged on to the sort of new housing development that the residents of Totland could only dream of. The Magna Carta was signed at Runnymede in 1215 and was originally drafted to make peace between the unpopular King and a group of rebel barons.... What?? What do you mean that sounds familiar?! Behave yourselves! Not too many grounds within 40 minutes of the San Cheerio, so we expected to see a plethora of familiar Boro barons gracing the terraces.

We piled in with 5 minutes to spare, the ticket seller struggling to work out the change for £8, from a tenner. Marvellous. At face value not the worst ground we'll bestow our glorious presence upon this season, that's as much as I can muster. The glorious bellowing chants of Reggie's fanclub, from behind the opposite goal, were an aural party, dragging an atmosphere into the proceedings that the EggHam & Chips faithful could only have dreamed of.

The stench of animal urine penetrated the far side terrace more clinically then Perry "the Hoffen" Coles going for a giant spongebob at a summer fete beat-the-goalie stall.

So, looking to build on the concise victory at Aylesbury United, Boro trundled out on to the field from out the side of the "main" stand.
No Michael "Churchill" Onovwigun, despite showing some promise at Aylesbury, and El Capitano CJ "Pammy" Fearn coming back into the ranks. Rumour has it that "Churchill" called up the club that morning saying that he had decided to go up to Manchester as he'd had better offers. I don't think we'll be the last to say.... "do one".

Into the action and it was all a bit tentative from the off. Boro certainly trying to take the game to EggHam&chips but, and this would set the tone for the majority of the night, couldn't find the quality (or luck) to put the hosts to the sword in the final third.
Half chances came and went at both ends, Boro not really troubling Jamie Norris particularly. The players were pretty vociferous, no tackles were being bottled. Massive shout out to Aaron "the slayer" Bufton for an absolute worldy of a save towards the end of the half. His safe hands, coupled with Dennis "the fire engine" Oli's unfaltering work rate were easily the 2 standout performances.  It was just one of those halves!! HT, 0-0
We were the better side. A positive team talk of encouragement to; keep focus, keep things moving, get tighter, cut out the needless long balls & be patient... was needed. As we arrived at the tea bar next to the changing rooms though...

To add to that, it became clear that "Mischa" Barton was to be the sacrificial lamb as his evening was done and Sam "Ali" Shaban would take his place. Seemed harsh as we thought "Mischa" had looked lively and played okay. Football is a game of opinions though.... and Spencer's is gospel.... 4 minutes after the restart....

In fairness, a lovely passing move from the Sarnies which had our defence left more static than a cheap Christmas jumper. Hard not to feel that our rhythm wasn't interrupted by the substitution though. That was illustrated over the next 15 or so as Boro looked more limp then an overworked gigolo and offered fewer penetrating movements then an adult incontinence pants testing facility. The hosts giving an absolute masterclass in premature time wasting too. Aaron "the Slayer" had equal measures of disdain and respect pouring from his glare.
The tide briefly turned on 70 minutes when, after almost going 2 down, Boro managed to work the ball into the EggHam&Chips box and "Ali" was on hand to coolly slot home into the host's ball bag. 1-1 and literally 3 minutes of impetus ensued as Boro, suddenly aware that they now had top of the table in their grubby little mitts, looked like they could build some pressure and nick the win. Again though it all just seemed to peter out to nothingness.
There were a couple of free kicks which almost showed promise... there were a few corners which we insisted on taking short for some unknown reason.... Norris spilled a few shots when, had the strikers been slightly more on their toes, they would have found the ball bag that way. MEH!
FT 1-1
It was a 5/10 performance. Far from Egg-cellent, not cracking, need more shellf control, no more chyolking, less fowls.... certainly not clucking awful though, just need to get back to our breast beakause we can wing this league.
The players know they have to improve, they're not stupid. We were top of the league again though. Small mercies and all that.




Saturday 17th - New Boro v Old Dunstablians
So here we were. Two weeks after the Hanwell omnishambles we were back at fortress Cherrywood having somehow manoeuvred our way back to the top of the league, heavily assisted by Royston potato chips' continued Goliath smashing performances in the trophy. There was no doubt that the club needed to put out a formal statement ON the pitch.

The big omission from the starting lineup was John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga. TheBoroWalk understands that he was booked in at the dentist in Queensmead to be fitted for a whole new set of gold teeth. He's a baller that lad, an absolute baller.... and he loves the burgler/cop in Home Alone. "Ali" Shaban was given the nod to step into midfield to continue his apprenticeship towards immortality, no doubt buoyed by his ball bag buster in midweek. He'd start on the right flank.

Lovely to see a young mascot running out with his yellow heroes... granted we're not 100% sure if he was a mascot or just another one of the academy lads having a run out in preparation for being on the bench next week, but... this is good!! Hook them in before Murdoch's lot get their grubby claws into their brains. Hope to see more!

From the off Boro took the game to the OD's... hard pressing, quick passing, energetic movements and very direct... as ever with Boro you just pray for early goals and, much like a randy housewife at a gangbang, we got exactly what we came for!
Following a 134 yard defence slicer from "Clintons" Ciardini, Dennis "the fire engine" Oli showed more quality hold ups then marks and spencers' lingerie department and he layed it off to Perry "the Hoffen" Coles who fired one at the ball bag causing a postal strike the Royal Mail would have been proud of.
Our plucky visitors managed their first effort on goal too, a long ball cleared away, was fired back in anger from a good 30 yards out... "the Slayer" taking no prisoners as he tipped the big dipper over his bar.
The breakthrough would come straight after though as "the Hoffen", "Ali" & "Clintons" had a game of ping pong with the Dunners' Defence, inside the box, eventually resulting in "Clintons" being bundled over like a protester at a Trump convention. "Fogle" stepped up and leathered the ball into the Dunners' ball bag. 1-0
Only a couple of minutes passed and Boro won a corner. Fogle coasted in like a majestic cruise liner coming in to dock at the harbour, his marker left in his dust contemplating his poor life decisions. Massive header..... 2-0

The match continued at a frantic pace, both sides trying to sniff out openings like an pervert at a new dogging hot spot.
Dunners were keen to get in on the act. More neat play up front resulted in a long cross over which was met with a tasty header which had "the Slayer" clambering. Luckily for the Boro it came back out courtesy of the white solid erection..... CJ then did his superman act to keep out the rebound.

"Ali" would soon be kicking himself as, after another glorious piece of forward play from "the Fire Engine", he was put through with just the keeper to beat, but he just misjudged his finish, missing the ball bag by inches.
Dunners continued to stay positive and almost found their way in on a couple of occasions. Only a fool would say this game was over. HT 2-0

Into the 2nd half and Dunners continued to look threatening in the final third, "Ali" clearing heroically off of the goal line. That clearance looked to have become even more important when, from the resulting attack, "Reggie" played a sublime ball into the path of "the Hoffen" who was scythed by the defender. Although he managed to stay on his feet, the referee rather impressively allowed the play to run on. Once it became clear the lunge tackle had enabled the keeper to snaffle up the ball, he called it back for a pen! Yes... you heard it here.... GREAT REFEREEING.
"Fogle" stepped up for his hat trick and...

That set up a final 20 minutes which were guaranteed to be more tents then Glastonbury.
After a great move from "the Hoffen" and "the Salmon", a low cross was sent over into the 6 yard box where an outstretched "fire Engine" foot failed to extinguish the Dunners' fire, from 2 yards out, managing to loft it on to the bar!
To add salt into the wounds, Dunners would nick a goal with 10 to go, a fine half volley from 25 yards out with "the Slayer" in no mans land. 2-1
Boro's nerves seemed to be eased by the sending off of Dunners' number 6, but I couldn't tell you what it was for as I was eating a Mars Bar. I'm sure it was warranted and absolute filth though.
"the Hoffen" had one last go, rounding the keeper only to have his goal bound effort blocked away by a vigilante defender.

A collective sigh of relief at FT... 2-1
"Fogle" got out of his sick bed to play today and still had the audacity to dominate proceedings and take home motm. That sums up this bunch of intrepid footballers we've got currently. It's not always going to be pretty, but we're moving into 'win's a win' territory now. If we can keep on ticking over... we'll be there or thereabouts come the end of the season.

Top at Chrimbo. Nice. 

Boxing Day at Fleet. Tasty. (Especially if we're trying to obtain some of their players)....!

A preview - A Tuesday night in Surrey - How to avoid getting Eg-ham on your face

On what should be a cold, windy, maybe snowy night somewhere so far on the outskirts of Egham you've gone inside the M25 and you're basically in Staines, Farnborough face a potential banana skin against the draw specialists in the league.

Realistically, it'll be unseasonably warm and probably pissing it down with rain and the Boro will be victorious.

Or maybe just hopefully.

The Hammers have as many defeats as Boro this season and only two of them were at home but have drawn more times than Rolf Harris in his cell. The only occasions Boro have shared the spoils were a brace of home fixtures against Arsely and Uxbridge in succession back on the cusp of September and October. The away stalemates reads zero. This has draw written all over it.

This cannot happen. Royston Spud Scrappers have another Trophy replay and therefore will have a third fixture to make up in the league. We have the opportunity to go top. Regardless of whether you think we have the budget to challenge for the league, challenge for the league we are. There's no doom and gloom here. We expect to be where we are with the playing staff and average crowd we get and following our excellent away win at Aylesbury on Saturday, this is a very winnable game.

We handed them their backsides back to them at Cherrywood back in August, a perfectly packaged 4-0 drubbing was as convincing as it's come in the league this season and whilst a repeat scoreline isn't expected, a win is the only thing that matters.

As far as we know there's no injury worries, everyone came back from Buckinghamshire unscathed, but news is scant on that front and for all we know the revolving door is spinning again but let's assume that it's the same team that started against Aylesbury and anything else will be a nice/horrible (delete as appropriate) surprise.

Brief and to the point today. We weren't at Aylesbury but by 'eck the ballbag bulged with bullets from The Salmon and The Fire Engine, off the noggin and the instep.

Let's hope Boro make a positive statement tonight towards promotion back where these players belong.

As always...

COME ON YOU YELLOWS

The Boro Walk - Statement

In light of the Club Statement issued, by "The Directors", some disheartened regulars from the San Cheerio terraces (aka "tinpot lifers") decided we would issue our own statement in response.

Firstly... We've been here before. Who signs off these 'Statements'?! Does nobody stop to analyse what it is you're writing and how it's going to be interpreted by many regular loyal supporters?  Are "the directors" that removed from the state of affairs that they cannot see why sections of fans no longer feel able to relate to the club and that these kind of releases just alienate them further?  

You've stated for a long time that we will live within our means. THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S WHAT WE WANTED, but this isn't news. You have reiterated that you're "not prepared to run the club at a loss". We agree, make the changes now... don't issue statements like that as some sort of threat. This to and fro about playing budgets must stop. How can we not be "close to the highest in the League"?! We may only get 200-300 attendances but that's up to 4x more than a lot of the other teams in the league. Yes, attendances are down and it's frustrating. If that means we lose players, then so be it! That's where the manager earns his crust... by getting the absolute best out of whoever he can put out on any given matchday. But you need to look deeper at why attendances are falling. If you cannot figure it out, call a fans forum. Get fans in. Open the lines of communication. We know you don't want to hear it, but our football managers approval rating, if such a thing existed, would not be particularly high.

All the work you've done behind the scenes hasn't gone unnoticed. The ground looks amazing. The sponsors are coming back. The clubhouse is top notch. The catering is better then it's been in years. Of course our volunteers are amazing. They should get more praise for what they do! (That goes for every volunteer at clubs up and down the country). 

In short, this statement is another opportunity missed to unite the fanbase. We are where we are, not because of the fans or players, but because of poor financial management and questionable tactical nous on the field (16 months without an away win still fresh)

You can't comment on a few fans use of the word tinpot in an official club statement! it's madness!! Sticks and stones chaps, sticks and stones! More importantly, the majority use that term with their tongues firmly in their cheeks!! The league IS tinpot, in terms of our history and we're there because of our finances. The team is not so drastically different to the team that did so well to stay up last season, but to be relegated anyway, and the one that was beating all comers earlier this season. To suggest that we have found our level in this league is a complete slap in the face to the players who put their bodies on the line week in week out. There are teams in this league who are clearly better than most. Royston being one. But the vast majority are small, hardworking clubs that attract the bare minimum of supporters. 

We have lost supporters because, to some, it might look like we're back in free fall again. The same we have been in ever since that piece of scum Westley fucked off with all the money and all the players, Uncle Vic went insane, Pinky & Perky ripped us a new one and Simon Hollis thought he was Roman Abramovich. It's been never ending.

The attendances may even have dropped purely because it's been FUCKING FREEZING.

To attack the lack of support of the Boost the Boro campaign is frankly disgusting. We didn't ask for it. It's like a tramp having a go at passers by because they haven't given him money when he's shat himself as a form of street entertainment. Do you seriously believe putting a statement like this into the public domain is going to encourage a disillusioned fan to return/come and watch? If you do, then you are deluded.

Nobody wants or expects us to work outside of ours means but to say there is disrespect towards this league is ignoring the fact that we aren't here because our team wasn't good enough. We all respect a transparent club but, when that becomes pointing the finger at fans and those staying away in an apparent attempt at encouraging people back, then there's something very very wrong.

We'd like to put on record our disappointment that some individuals at the club feel the need to openly support a statement that slags off the supporters and makes comments that fans will moan and criticise it. Players, coaches, managers, directors, chairman and owners come and go but the fans that show up regularly or are beginning to become fans, i.e the kids, will be there long after they've gone. Maybe it would do them well to remember that.

The management may not like the fans forums and they may go over the top with the criticism but it's because they care. Find a way to harness it! This isn't something that spills over into the terraces, to our knowledge, and there is nothing but support for the team and this won't stop.

Regardless of what is thrown at this statement and the board by social media & forums etc, what is essential is that we continue to get behind the team. Yes, we get disappointed and frustrated when we concede silly goals, when we lose... show me a fan that doesn't! But those who turn up in all weathers and travel away need to be shown more respect because if you piss them off enough then they won't turn up and then where will this club be? It's already started, and statements like this won't help. 

Well done for trying to engage and call to war. But don't go sympathy hunting and fan baiting. You can do better then that. You've got tons of feedback out there off the back of this. Please try and take onboard as much as possible, negative as well as positive, aside from just retweeting "great to see such an honest club" etc. These people are not your bread and butter, we are.

We at The Boro Walk will continue in our concerted effort to encourage folks to get down to Cherrywood. I know we're not alone in this.

We can't make the trip to Buckinghamshire this weekend but will be at Egham and back in the PRE on the 17th.

Congrats on winning "team of the month" for November, let's get December back on track and not let it go tinpot to pot.

As, always.....

COME ON YOU YELLOWS

HanWell out of our depth...

Another Retrospective Think Piece from The Boro Walk...

As we dodged the waifs and strays of Totland, meandering to the ground on Saturday, it had the feeling of being an important day. A day that, come the end of April, we'd look back on this chilly December afternoon and think... "Fuck me we handed that tinpot pub team a mullering that day didn't we... top of the league and we stayed there all bloody season."
Football can be a cruel mistress sometimes. Well, a lot more then sometimes, it seems, when you're a Boro fan.

Barely thawed from the clinical ploughing of Peter's Field in midweek, it was back to fortress Cherrywood for the visit of 10th place Hanwell Town. Only point of reference we could find for them was that Boro icon "Ohhh" Pat Gavin (he of the "prince charming" themed chant) both started and finished his playing career there. Fascinating, I'm sure you'll agree.

Speaking of legendary frontmen, we were buoyed by the news on Saturday morning that cult oldtimer Jamie "AgeIsJustANumber Curo" Cureton would be back for at least one game. Clearly tired from being away, he just wanted back in... he loves it up the Boro does our Curo. The official club press release alluded to some sickness in the camp. The omission of Dennis "the Fire Engine" Oli suggested it was he who's arse was leaking like a faulty U bend.

So kick off.... wait for it.... wait for it.... WAIT FOR IT.... Ohhhhhhh F.F.S!!!!! Behind inside of 25 seconds. The majority of our team still clearly unable to tear their eyes away from the free chocolate advent calendars on display over by the club shop. Really putting the Tart in start. Our rear guard sleepier then one seventh of a dwarf septet.

But, if you're going to go behind, you've got plenty of time to penetrate yourself back into play if you do it in the first minute. So it was a relief that Boro woke up pretty immediately after that. Plenty of endeavour and commitment to ease the first minute woes. John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga looked to have the number of the Hanwell left back, so that seemed an obvious alleyway to pursue. That's exactly what did happen and, inside of 10 mins, a belligerent run from "tiny dancer" had a bit of Hanwell pingpong underway in the box. Curo followed one of the rebounds up and lashed home another ball bag bulge. What an absolute bloody legend. 1-1 and surely now the procession towards the league summit could once again commence!

Chances came and went in the remainder of the half. Jack "Mischa" Barton inches wide as he nearly nailed a cross shot like a roman soldier at a Crucifixion. Nic "Clintons" Ciardini sent Perry "The Hoffen" Coles through with a sumptuous 40 yard pass, but the hoffen spawned that particularly tasty little one on one, thrashing a half volley just the wrong side of the upright, much to his own absolute bewilderment. Josh "The Salmon" Huggins turned on his rocket boosters to motor through the Hanwell defence, crossing for Curo, who's effort smacked the woodwork like an angry CDT teacher.
Just as half time was peeking out from behind the cold snap, "tiny dancer" went on another soiree into the Hanwell defence and his cut back had them scattering like lemmings. Luckily, "the hoffen" was there to thrash home yet another rip snorter into Melvin's ballbag.
A HUGE sense of relief swirled around the San Cheerio and that, coupled with the news Royston Spuddy Chippers were a goal down, made the HT tea taste that little bit sweeter. We were on our way to the top of the league!!!  HT 2-1

So I guess this is where it all goes a little bit 'Pete Tong'.
The second half started and we looked more slovenly than an eastern European adjective. The warning signs were there, clear as Day... sitting back, poor movement... and I'm not even talking about Spencer's HT dump.
Their left back ran completely unchallenged right through half the team, only being thwarted by "the Slayer's" upright, and that was the point a lot of bums started to squeak like an Alan Ball impersonation contest.
We had a couple of chances, Curo ploughing another "Tiny dancer" cut back wide and then after a big goal mouth scramble, Sam "Fogle" Pearce managed to screw the ball wider than John Candy's coffin.

But it was 10 mins of madness which ultimately cost Boro the 3 points. The equaliser was arguably some of the worst defending I have ever seen. It was sort of like a really tinpot Diego Maradona goal, except that the striker's drug of choice was Beechams and we had the "hands" of FOR GOD'S SAKE! They should have made it 3-2 but the striker ballooned it like a teenager with his first pack of condoms. That said, it was just a matter of time before the implosion was complete and a nothing route one ball was allowed to bounce just outside the box and yet again the challenges were weaker and more uneventful then a night on the fosters top.... their lad took it on and slotted it home with some plums.

To the bemusement of the PRE, the first Boro change was left so late, there was 1 fewer shopping days until Chrimbo when it finally came around. 5 minutes was all Femi "Dom" Orenuga was given to try and penetrate the visitor's defenses. In fairness to him he managed to get into a couple of good positions... Given a few minutes more he might have unlocked a point or more. The decision seemed even stranger as CJ "Pammy" Fearn had been limping for a good 10 mins prior. But what do we know!

It's not good, it's far from good in fact. Lessons have to be learned and very very quickly. Hanwell came with a game plan and stuck to it. Start fast, hit the gaps between our defense & midfield and give it more Amateur Dramatics then the R.S.C. (No. 5.... Cock womble).

To add ready salted to the wounds, Royston Potato Chips pulled another win out of their arses and are looking a quality outfit, on a seriously good run of form. They're going to take more stopping then an outbreak of athletes foot at a foot fetish swingers party. 

The players know Saturday wasn't good enough. Kudos to those who held their hands up afterwards.

On to Saturday and we have to leave behind the static statues and move on to a polished game of charades, actions being louder then words. Come on lads, there's still time to get back on to the nice list. ONWARDS

Boro to do a Han(d) Job Well done!

No sooner have all our extremities thawed and the feeling in our feet returned than we are back on the terraces for the visit of Hanwell. Nope, us neither. Not least as we've not met them yet this season, a change to the past two games return matches against Kidlington and Petersfield.

Sitting slap bang in the middle the table they are no mugs, which, incidentally, is also the case with the tea facilities at Cherrywood. Polystyrene cups can crumble under pressure, so here's hoping that will be the case when they have Femi "Dom" Orenuga penetrating their fragile defences.

A comprehensive 2-0 win against whipping boys Petersfield may have looked away from Cherrywood like a smaller margin of victory than anticipated but arctic conditions and a pitch harder than Reggie's noggin didn't help either side to play a crowd friendly brand of football but after a disappointing trip to the bumhole of Britain that stank the place out as two minutes of madness gave us a mountain to climb that not even The Hoffen couldn't help us scale, any win was vital.

Goals from Perry and Reggie from close range were as welcome as Nigel Farage canceling his flight home and staying in Trump towers forever as Donald's personal arse hamster.

The Slayer certainly earnt his post match hot coffee in a hot coffee cup, grinding out a latte great point blank saves that on a different night could've Costa two points, particularly the finger tips he got to an expresso shot that diverted it onto the bar-ista.

On what was quite frankly a fucking freezing night, Reggie brought down a group of his Army chums who made the kind of racket that only members of the armed forces can make. A bloody marvellous din. He rewarded them with a finish akin to Zac Goldsmith's career in politics.

And so to Saturday. With Chrimbo breathing down our necks, the club are making attempts to keep the fathers and children from the shopping malls and in the PRE by ensuring the seats are choc-a-block with free Cadbury Advent Calenders. This is only available to the under 16's unless you're particularly small or steal one from a child whilst their parent is at the bar.

There doesn't appear to be any further injury problems, besides the long term crocked Gillette. But that could change come kick off time. Who knows who'll come down with a lurgy or have the shits this time. Tiny Dancer will be happy with the 3pm kick off as he suffered with a tooth-hurty kick off in midweek

Who knows where Spencer will decide Pammy or Reggie will start, but bets are off for where the rest of them will line up. It'll probably look something like this:

1/ The Slayer
2/ Tiny Dancer
3/ Hands
4/ Pammy
5/ Reggie
6/ Fogle
7/ The Salmon
8/ Churchill
9/ The Hoffen
10/ The Fire Engine
11/ Clintons

There's a chance Mischa may come in for Churchill as he replaced him at the break on Tuesday, but it looks likely Dom will have to wait on the bench before the seal is broken on him this weekend and he gets slipped into the action.

As usual, in relation to the opposition, who gives a tuppenny fuck.

The Boro Walk prediction: 4-2 Boro

COME ON YOU YELLOWS.

           ****STOP PRESS****
CURO RETURNS FOR AT LEAST ONE GAME!!! HE BLOODY LOVES IT AT THE BORO!!!!!

SHIT THE BEDFORD.... Peter's Field needs a ploughing

Alright Alright.... let's just all take a deep breath and calm the fuck down. Evidently the weekend didn't go quite as planned. Honey G-sus we made a right Ed Balls of that didn't we. Yes, that's right... theBoroWalk does a popular culture reference. But fear not! Much like the attempted derailing of our title challenge, it's pretty much assured this is only going to be a temporary setback from normality.

So where did it all go wrong on Saturday? Well principally, we conceded more then we scored. Digging a little deeper, when the teamsheet dropped at theBoroWalk towers on Saturday, there were more marked differences then a Sun photograph of jeremy Corbyn at a remembrance Sunday service.
The non-appearance of theBoroWalk stalwart Keith "Reggie" Emmerson suddenly brought on mild bouts of paranoia. Fair play to him though, he's an absolute bloody 'ledge. If I'd scored that worldy at the DunceTable the other day, I'd take a Saturday off just watching it back in slo-mo on youtube, eating barbecue pringles in my pants too.
Unfortunately though, Reggie's absence (trench foot) coupled with Charlie "Chaplin" Allen's departure, in midweek, suddenly left us looking a little less formulaic in the centre. Time for Spencer to sprinkle some of his 'SpencerDayzical' pixie dust and whip the lads up into a frenzy of biblical proportions. In came Sam "Ali" Shaban, for a start as expected as Brexit, and Michael "Churchill" Onovwigun. Other new signing Femi "Dom" Orenuga took his place, chomping at the bit, on the bench.
One change in goal too as "the Slayer" Bufton was replaced by Gianluigi's English cousin Aaron Buffon... And for the love of God can an away side spell OYENUGA correctly just once!

Soooooo into the action and not much happened in the first 10. Then we get more paranoid and trigger happy then Donald Trump on his first day, with the nuke codes, in the White House. A couple of goals conceded.... both sloppier then Nic "Clintons" Ciardini at a Pizza Hut Ice cream factory. 'Nuff said.

That'd be it for Bedford chances in the half... we had a shed load of the ball but it just wasn't clicking... chances came, chances went, a few of them out of the ground. A deflected "Ali" shot cannoned off the post. But no, no reward... no air of inevitability. Must have left it on the M25.

Into the second half and the Mighty Yellows switched it up. Spencer, trying to seize the day, pushed it to a 3-4-3. "Ali", "The Fire Engine" and "The Hoffen" looking to force the best comeback by a trio in Bedfordshire since Rod, Jane and Freddy played a shit hole in Luton in 1995. Again, 'Boro took the lions share of the possession, but were unable to turn that possession into precious goals.
Femi "Dom" finally made his 'Boro bow, with 25 mins to go, looking to penetrate the Bedford rear-guard. The ref, clearly still star struck at being on the same field as the legendary 'Boro warriors, then remembered he'd picked himself as captain in his non league fantasy football team so went for the assist, blocking off a Boro free kick into the path of a Bedfordian.... him and his mate honed in on "The Slayer's" goal but he wasn't going 3 down. Nice try ref, nice try.
Jack "Mischa" Barton replaced "Churchill" for the last 20 or so... the game opened up in the last 15, like a can of Reggie's barbecue pringles, with the Bedfordians looking to counter strike as we readied the kitchen sink. Much like a newbie at a brothel, there were multiple chances at both ends... but neither ball bag bulged until stoppage time when a good run from "Dom" eventually resulted in a low cross finding Perry "the Hoffen" Coles who sent 3 defenders on hoiday to Timbuktu before blasting his load past the ball bag protector. 8 in 9 for "the Hoffen"... COME BACK WAS ON..... until the ref blew the final whistle approximately 17 seconds later.

So there you have it... we're good... just not all the time. BUT we're Farnborough... so fuck it, who cares. I'll leave it to our legend of an Ass Manager JR "Hartley" to sum it up.

That's called 'closure' kids.




Tuesday! PETERSFIELD!!
So on to Tuesday and the P-Fielders are bringing their 11 man cure for a hangover show to fortress Cherrywood.   P19  W2  D2  L17  GF15 GA47... Just soak that in. Then the realisation hits that one of those 2 wins was our post Crystal Palace capitulation. This tinpot league has a habit of throwing up results more unexpected then the Spanish Inquisition, but come on now. This result is more of a home banker then your mum. 

What's more, to add flames to the steaming pile of crap that is Peter's field's chances of snatching a result, in an exclusive interview with theBoroWalk this week, "Reggie" confirmed his trenchfoot has subsided, he's out of pringles and he's ready to dish out a master class once again. He's also bringing his army pals so it's fair to say our defence program is being taken to extra levels. 

With "the Hoffen" hell bent on double figures and the new lads out to make a mark, it's going to be a walk in the park. Sit back, relax and enjoy the procession. 

We're going to have played a game more then Roysters Potato Chips, in the league, after tonight so nothing else then a total annihilation will do. 

theBoroWalk prediction:  6-0 'Boro

Preview: Back to the Bumhole

It's only November and for some reason we're starting the return fixtures already. We've not played a handful of teams yet, but hot on the heels of our home battering of Kidlington (a result that looks even better in hindsight after they handed Marlow their arses back to them and told them to piss off midweek) we take a trip back up the sphincter of the M1 and into the bumhole of Britain that is Bedfordshire.

Apparently, the experts and bookies thought Bedford would be there or there abouts when it came to promotion and the playoffs, but as always they know absolutely fuck all and they're no where to be seen languishing in 15th.

But as we know, this has no bearing on the team we will face. The table seems to lie like Donald Trump's promises and we've been stung by Arseley and Uxbridge. Form means very little as one minute Histon are buggering teams 6-2 and the next they are being shafted by Fleet in the last ten minutes.

The Bedfords are coming off a 1-0 home defeat to Kempston which really didn't help us very much having not played midweek as Egham were pissing about in the Cunty Cup or the Tinpot League Cup or whatever, but we can steal a march on Royston Potato Peelers as they're playing in the Trophy, and long may that continue.
Don't expect any favours from the Towners today. The bastards.

Good news and bad news this week. Charlie "Chaplin" Allen departed for foreign fields as we knew would happen but credit to Spencer he's brought in some  talented chaps to fill his shoes. Eagle eyed Boro faithful members may have noticed that Michael "Churchill" Onovwigan made his debut centuries before the club announced his arrival, coming on for Chaplin in the second half against the Kidders. Alongside him came Femi "Dom" Orenuga. That's not going to confuse match reports and opposition team sheets much is it. They should take our lead and come up with witty nicknames to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment.

Anyway, Dom looks like he goes like shit off a shovel and knows where the onion bag is so this can only be a good thing. We haven't been operating with wingers recently, relying on the width coming from Tiny Dancer and Clintons has been more central but I'm sure Spencer knows what he's doing. He looks like he could be useful up top with the little fella.

It's anyone's guess whether the gaffa will play Churchill from the start or if Misha will step in to Chaplin's boots, although he's a small chap and looks like he's got smaller feet. He's more than capable and has faced the might of Bedford once this season already.

Justice has been done. Ollie "Hands" Treacher is off the hook and the blatant handball that no one seemed to dispute has been rescinded and he can line up alongside Fogle, who himself has signed back up for another two months which is ball bouncingly brilliant news.

Bedford's Team; who gives a tuppenny fuck.

COME ON YOU YELLOWS.

19/11/16 - 'Boro 3-0 Kidlington... a tale of 2 shit penalties

Another Retrospective Think Piece from The Boro Walk...

As I meandered through the cobbled streets of Queensmead on Saturday morning, in the shadows of the twin Poundlands, I overheard a couple of tramps squabbling over a half eaten Greggs steak slice they'd chanced upon. The conversation went something like this;
"Give me that fucking steak slice you piss soaked Aldersh*t watching scumbucket"
"OH fuck off nom-nom-nom... So anyway... who have you got today?"
"Kidlington"
"Kidlington??!"
"Yes, Kidlington"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS KIDLINGTON"...
Whilst there were no eye witnesses to corroborate the legitimacy of this turn of events, it did echo the sentiment that had been ringing around in my head. But we are where we are. Tinpot league. FML... as the kids say.

So, another week.... another new opponent. 16th place Kidlington it is. One of the largest villages in the country, allegedly, with no designs on upgrading to town status. So it was the anti town villagers versus our former town Goliaths.

Team news:-
Same old really. Eddie "Gillette" Smith still suffering with his cankle & Curtis "Mayfield" Osano still on sabbatical to continue his training to head out to lapland to help assemble karaoke machines. The eagle eyed Boro loyalists in the crowd would have noticed one new name on the bench... Michael Onovwigun, appearing from below the radar (theBoroWalk loves a live nicknaming challenge).

INTO THE ACTION and straight from kick off, John "Tiny Dancer" Oyenuga dribbled round their whole team, just for shits and giggles. His cross/shot a good palm warmer for the oppo gk.
Subsequent early exchanges suggested Kidders weren't here just to make up the numbers... the quality movement, of an inner city dance troupe on Britain's got talent, and pressing with such intent that Corby could well be inline to take over as their principle sponsor next season.
Unfortunately for our visitors, they had not banked on finding a Boro centre half pairing more rigid than Brian Broome's testicles. Cap'n CJ "Pammy" Fearn & Sam "Fogle" Pearce looked imperious at times. You could almost hear Aaron "The Slayer" Bufton purring as his 2 principle charges kept him safer than a cock ring at a lesbian wedding.
That said, they can't mark everyone at a corner... so when some green git stole some space, he planted a header firmly into the corner. Unfortunately for him, Ollie "hands" Treacher was on, ummm, hand to clear off the line. Definitely a case of ball to "hands"... or maybe ball to "hands'" balls.

With the clock pushing towards 30, Perry "The Hoffen" Coles unleashed a sweeping drive crossfield to Nic "Clintons" Ciardini, which did for Kidders rightback as he injured himself ballwatching it. Clintons surged into the area winning a corner..... Hold on, let me copy and paste.... Clintons corner landed on the golden napper of Josh "The Salmon" Huggins and the ballbag bulged!! 74th headed goal of the season for The Salmon...  1-0

Kidders RB had to leave the field. Weedon off. Make your own fucking jokes.

Other main highlight of the half was Kidders number 9 having a crack at the world record for getting caught offside. Think he got to around 87, so falling just a couple short. Unlucky son.

As HT neared, "Fogle" was getting the taste for goals and was cynically bundled over during one of his soirees into the box. PENALTY!! "Pammy" stepped up and launched the ball into orbit. Damn that bloody super moon. HT 1-0

Into the second half and both sides were jockeying for position like the start of the grand national.
"Fogle's" next goal hunt manoeuvre was a 20 yard free kick bent in like a faulty boomerang. To his disgust, Kidders' keeper got his big fat hands on to it. "Fogle" was just biding his time though.
In truth 'Boro were making hard work of it and, at times, looking more laboured than the delivery suite at Frimley Park.
Special mention for a crucial save by "The Slayer" from a Kidders free kick. Fisted it away like a bearded demigod.
New boy Michael "Churchill" Onovwigun made his 'Boro bow with 25 to go... Looks like the love child of Carlton Palmer and Rusty Lee. We wait with baited breath for the club to announce the terms of his stay!!
As Kidders grew in confidence, they tried to force it and the game went all Danny Dyer for a bit. Handbags, late tackles, player pile ups, kiss chase, bookings... PROPA' NAWWWTY

Into the last 10 and with the game on the edge of a blunt butter knife, "The Hoffen" released "Clintons" down the left and the Boro legend marauded towards the PRE, holding off the helpless defender in his inimitable style, and buried his shot deep into the ballbag, breaking the hearts of Kidders fans all over the village. 2-0

With Kidders heads going down, like a world prostitute championship finalist, Boro kept their foot on the gas and with "The Hoffen" a constant source of frustration, he earned another free kick down by the club shop. After dusting himself off, he stepped up to whip it into the box like a circus lion tamer. A deflection off the defender took it into the path of "Fogle" and he smashed a header beyond the redundant Kidders keeper. 3-0

There was still time for Kidders to get what they came for.... the chance to follow in the shoes of the man, the legend, CJ "Pammy" Fearn. When the ref decided that "Hands" had... well... handled in the box, he flashed his stiff red at him and "Hands" had to trudge off. Kidders' striker stepped up and tried to emulate his hero. Whilst he didn't quite match "Pammy's" elevation, he still comfortably cleared the MRE. Something for them to take home from their big day out.

FT.... WE WON 3-0

Summary....
Boro march on with another win, as we fucking should... Christ this league is tinpot.
We stay a point behind Roysters potato chips despite their best efforts to throw away a 3 goal lead against Egham & chips.

Next up... some other tinpot team in a tinpot friendly... then a slightly less tinpot team after that probably.

15/11/16 - Escape to (1-3) victory @ AFC Dunstable

15/11/16 - Escape to (1-3) victory @ AFC Dunstable -
A Retrospective Think Piece from The Boro Walk

Tuesday night was never likely to be simple. From the offset, 'Boro were forced into an unorthodox formation with our intrepid squad of misfits heroes scattered across the outer London motorway network. Rumours circulating police radios were that one Ethan "tooltime" Allen had instigated the chaos to throw Aaron "the slayer" Bufton off the scent of his poor timekeeping, thus avoiding his growling wrath....

Still... nice touch from our friends at AFC Dunstable to delay the kick off by 30 mins, to enable them to roll out the red carpet for the champions elect. Classy touch that. Classy touch.

Once our lads had all been re-hydrated and checked over by paramedics, following their 9 hour marathon journeys, the game got underway.
In a selfless act of sportsmanship, the decision was made to give our illustrious hosts a goal head start. So when AFC Dunst. grabbed a corner, after 6 mins, we did the honourable thing and adopted the "mark spaces" marking system. TOP TROLLING LADS!! 1-0

At that point the lads started getting a handle on their nerves, no doubt brought on by the cauldron atmosphere created by the near capacity crowd of 86. The inevitable equaliser came within 5 minutes. Charlie "Chaplin" Allen unleashed the man-bun of destiny and sprayed a 112 yard "hail mary" pass towards Dunst's box. Luckily the keeper and centre back hadn't quite finished their dress rehearsal for their new 2 man show 'dirty dancing on grass'. "Chaplin's" ball bounced right over the top of them and Dennis "The Fire Engine" Oli was on hand to extinguish the lead.... special mention to the defender running in who just failed in his attempt to gain a 3rd testicle made of leather. LINE TRICKLER!! 1-1

There weren't any other goals in the first half, the Boro players unable to stop themselves randomly bursting into fits of laughter at the omnishambles that was Dunst's defending.

We did make a good pun, at HT, about not folding at creasey park. That was a highlight.

Into the 2nd half and something was rumbling... deep (and no, this time it wasn't Nic "Clintons" Ciardini's stomach).... It was something wild, something unstoppable. All would become clear in the 68th minute as TheBoroWalk favourite Keith "Reggie Rat" Emmerson summoned the spirit of the Serengeti and took on the form of a rampant stampeding wildebeest. Gliding past players, taking 1-2's on both sides, leaving the rotting carcass' of Dunst's backline cast aside in his dust. Rounding the keeper like an 80's paperboy. Guts, determination, adrenaline.... nobody looked more surprised than he. BOOM 1-2

In amongst this, the obvious had been overlooked. One man goal machine Perry "the hoffen" Coles was yet to notch another mark on his evo-stik bedpost .... understandable as he's undoubtedly running short on room. That being said, he decided the time was right to put the game out of reach of the Dunst. and when "clintons" rammed a blockbuster into the paws of the keeper, "the hoffen" gobbled up the rebound like John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga at a strictly come dancing audition.
CRUISING-ish 1-3

End to end stuff ensued, Boro clearing their lines, like Daniella Westbrook at a house party, on more than 2 occasions. Bookings, hand bags, Dunst keeper going up like Boro at the end of the season.
Blah blah blah.., WE WON 3-1

SUMMARY...

Not even the stupid spelling mistake on our victory tweet could detract from the endeavours of tonight. Every White shirt can stand up and take their share of the applause. TOP BOMBING!!
AFC Dunstable, lovely setup... if they can get some varnish on the sideboard that is their end product, they can definitely achieve their ultimate goal of becoming the best team in Dunstable one day.

8 in 8 for "the hoffen"... luckily we've got "the fire engine" to control that blaze.
This was a big result for Boro.... A big big jobby of a result. Only a point behind the leaders now... top of the tree at Chrimbo seems apt. Begin the debate of angel vs star.

Next up.... some other tinpot side on Saturday.

Tuesday 15/11/16 - The Mighty Yellows @ AFC Dunstable – A preview

10 days is a long time in Football... especially if you're partaking in some form of charity match where you play football nonstop for 10 days straight. Luckily this is not the case for 'Boro as they've not kicked a ball, in anger, since last Saturday when Northwood were edged out 2-1 at the San Cheerio. A dramatic late(ish) winner from birthday boy Sam "Ali" Shaban enough to keep 'Boro on the heels of pace setters Roysters potato chips.


FaST forward 10 days and it's 5th v 2nd as 'Boro make the unenviable trip into deepest Bedfordshire to take on, one of the division's form sides, AFC Dunstable at Creasey Park. The OD's have only tasted defeat once in their last 7 league outings, with that defeat coming at the hands of the league leaders. They'll no doubt be confident they can pull off the 5 goal victory needed to see them leapfrog 'Boro up into 2nd.

The notable absentee (from the Northwood win game), captain CJ "Pammy" Fearn, should return to the ranks... after tightening up at the back.

The 'Boro, yet to taste defeat at fortress Cherrywood, cannot quite boast the same smug facade when it comes to away days. The season, to date, has yet to yield a solitary positive result from any  "competitive" midweek away game.... That said, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE'RE FARNBOROUGH....*deep breaths into brown paper bag*. If we're going to have this title wrapped up by March, then it's about time we started beating opponents down like a racist, orange, reality TV star, billionaire ball-bag in a US presidential election race.
Luckily we have our own Trump card in hotshot Perry "the Hoffen" Coles. If Nic "Clintons" Ciardini can find his feet again after deleting all those e-mails struggling for goals recently, AFC will no doubt be left reeling at the Dunce-table like a naughty schoolboy.

Hopefully it's a case of we republi-can get back to winning (a)ways and don't play democrap.
It's time for change, time to gain a romp, time to make Farnborough great again!!

Kick off at Creasey Park is 7:45

TheBoroWalk prediction: 5-2 'Boro

5/11/16 - The Mighty Yellows 2 v Northwood 1 – A Retrospective Think Piece from The Boro Walk

The air was crisp, the grass was green, the scarves were yellow and blue. The Guinness was off and the captain had the shits.

A team from the Wood of the North of somewhere appeared to march at us, fresh from wasting their and their fans time by rolling over at home to the league leaders Royston in the Trophy after a creditable draw away, it must have been to save themselves for their trip to “money-bags” Farnborough.

The return of Keith “Reggie the Rat” Emmerson at the back, slotting in next to skipper-for-the-day Sam “Ben Fogle” Pearce at centre half, was cause for early celebration and the beginning of proceedings suggested it would be a fruitful partnership in the absence of Curtis “Mayfield” Osano.

Tellingly, Ollie “Hands” Treacher was back as the left full of the backs, and John “Tiny Dancer” Oyenuga on the right which meant a quadruple defence that was as rigid as the Northwood woodwork. Back to that later.

Jack Barton returned in place of CJ with Charlie “Chaplin” Allen pulling the strings and his top bun through a scrunchy.

Early doors was a bit cagey. Post match it was discovered a number of the starters were playing through the pain barrier, not least Dennis “The Fire Engine” Oli who has been struggling with a torso injury and he was subjected to a number of rib ticklers from the ‘Wood central defenders.

But this was no joke. This was serious business. And there's few people in this league better at the business at the moment than Perry “the Hoffen” Coles. The clock hit 22 minutes and Chaplin chested down a cross from Nic “Clintons” Ciardini and there was The Hoffen, to use the sort of technique Paul Pogba could only have shamelessly copied, to drill it home into the bottom corner of the onion bag. Seven in seven for the ex -Cambo Rambo forward.

It was about fucking time. In the previous two home games Perry had scored within two minutes of the kick off. On Saturday he wasted twenty minutes. His form is clearly slipping.

Further evidence of this was after a few more minutes had passed, he took advantage of a goalkeeping mistake by their goalkeeper, naturally, and skipped past two challenges before hammering a shot against the North's “Wood”work.

Clinton peppered the opposition goal like an under seasoned steak and chips but to no avail.

In for the halftime Bovril just the one goal to the good. Still no fucking Guinness.

Typically, the Wooders bloody equalised in the second half with basically what was their only shot on target. Couldn't tell you who scored it, but as our exclusive updates on Saturday told you, it was some prick.

This brought us back to life and the Guy Fawkes Night fireworks came early, about 26 hours early in fact as Farnborough decided to have their display on the 6th.

Once again Perry “the Hoffen” picked up a knock down, this time charitably from the Northers centre back, spun on one of those new 5p’s that aren't that new anymore but really small, and lashed a shot that the Northwooders goalie could only “Perry” straight into the path of substitute Sam “Ali” Shaban who made no mistake because it would have been less a mistake and more of a fucking catastrophe if he’d missed. My 96 year old Gran could have scored it. She has as well. Except she was probably nearer 70 at the time. But credit where credit’s due, he did what all good make shift strikers (because we don't have any others) would do, and slotted into the goal.

Que polite pandemonium. I mean, it wasn't a last minute winner like Jamie Cureton's against Fleet (I miss you) but it was within the last ten minutes, so it would definitely fall into the BBC Final Score category of a “late winner”.

Another hugely important three points without ever being close to top gear, although at times it was like James May’s driving. What is vital is winning games like this and we did win. 2-1. A win is a win.

The referee nearly ruined it at the end by being a cock and giving a foul for a perfectly legitimate shoulder barge and then blowing the final whistle, but it didn't ruin it. Because Boro won.