SHIT THE BEDFORD.... Peter's Field needs a ploughing

Alright Alright.... let's just all take a deep breath and calm the fuck down. Evidently the weekend didn't go quite as planned. Honey G-sus we made a right Ed Balls of that didn't we. Yes, that's right... theBoroWalk does a popular culture reference. But fear not! Much like the attempted derailing of our title challenge, it's pretty much assured this is only going to be a temporary setback from normality.

So where did it all go wrong on Saturday? Well principally, we conceded more then we scored. Digging a little deeper, when the teamsheet dropped at theBoroWalk towers on Saturday, there were more marked differences then a Sun photograph of jeremy Corbyn at a remembrance Sunday service.
The non-appearance of theBoroWalk stalwart Keith "Reggie" Emmerson suddenly brought on mild bouts of paranoia. Fair play to him though, he's an absolute bloody 'ledge. If I'd scored that worldy at the DunceTable the other day, I'd take a Saturday off just watching it back in slo-mo on youtube, eating barbecue pringles in my pants too.
Unfortunately though, Reggie's absence (trench foot) coupled with Charlie "Chaplin" Allen's departure, in midweek, suddenly left us looking a little less formulaic in the centre. Time for Spencer to sprinkle some of his 'SpencerDayzical' pixie dust and whip the lads up into a frenzy of biblical proportions. In came Sam "Ali" Shaban, for a start as expected as Brexit, and Michael "Churchill" Onovwigun. Other new signing Femi "Dom" Orenuga took his place, chomping at the bit, on the bench.
One change in goal too as "the Slayer" Bufton was replaced by Gianluigi's English cousin Aaron Buffon... And for the love of God can an away side spell OYENUGA correctly just once!

Soooooo into the action and not much happened in the first 10. Then we get more paranoid and trigger happy then Donald Trump on his first day, with the nuke codes, in the White House. A couple of goals conceded.... both sloppier then Nic "Clintons" Ciardini at a Pizza Hut Ice cream factory. 'Nuff said.

That'd be it for Bedford chances in the half... we had a shed load of the ball but it just wasn't clicking... chances came, chances went, a few of them out of the ground. A deflected "Ali" shot cannoned off the post. But no, no reward... no air of inevitability. Must have left it on the M25.

Into the second half and the Mighty Yellows switched it up. Spencer, trying to seize the day, pushed it to a 3-4-3. "Ali", "The Fire Engine" and "The Hoffen" looking to force the best comeback by a trio in Bedfordshire since Rod, Jane and Freddy played a shit hole in Luton in 1995. Again, 'Boro took the lions share of the possession, but were unable to turn that possession into precious goals.
Femi "Dom" finally made his 'Boro bow, with 25 mins to go, looking to penetrate the Bedford rear-guard. The ref, clearly still star struck at being on the same field as the legendary 'Boro warriors, then remembered he'd picked himself as captain in his non league fantasy football team so went for the assist, blocking off a Boro free kick into the path of a Bedfordian.... him and his mate honed in on "The Slayer's" goal but he wasn't going 3 down. Nice try ref, nice try.
Jack "Mischa" Barton replaced "Churchill" for the last 20 or so... the game opened up in the last 15, like a can of Reggie's barbecue pringles, with the Bedfordians looking to counter strike as we readied the kitchen sink. Much like a newbie at a brothel, there were multiple chances at both ends... but neither ball bag bulged until stoppage time when a good run from "Dom" eventually resulted in a low cross finding Perry "the Hoffen" Coles who sent 3 defenders on hoiday to Timbuktu before blasting his load past the ball bag protector. 8 in 9 for "the Hoffen"... COME BACK WAS ON..... until the ref blew the final whistle approximately 17 seconds later.

So there you have it... we're good... just not all the time. BUT we're Farnborough... so fuck it, who cares. I'll leave it to our legend of an Ass Manager JR "Hartley" to sum it up.

That's called 'closure' kids.




Tuesday! PETERSFIELD!!
So on to Tuesday and the P-Fielders are bringing their 11 man cure for a hangover show to fortress Cherrywood.   P19  W2  D2  L17  GF15 GA47... Just soak that in. Then the realisation hits that one of those 2 wins was our post Crystal Palace capitulation. This tinpot league has a habit of throwing up results more unexpected then the Spanish Inquisition, but come on now. This result is more of a home banker then your mum. 

What's more, to add flames to the steaming pile of crap that is Peter's field's chances of snatching a result, in an exclusive interview with theBoroWalk this week, "Reggie" confirmed his trenchfoot has subsided, he's out of pringles and he's ready to dish out a master class once again. He's also bringing his army pals so it's fair to say our defence program is being taken to extra levels. 

With "the Hoffen" hell bent on double figures and the new lads out to make a mark, it's going to be a walk in the park. Sit back, relax and enjoy the procession. 

We're going to have played a game more then Roysters Potato Chips, in the league, after tonight so nothing else then a total annihilation will do. 

theBoroWalk prediction:  6-0 'Boro

Preview: Back to the Bumhole

It's only November and for some reason we're starting the return fixtures already. We've not played a handful of teams yet, but hot on the heels of our home battering of Kidlington (a result that looks even better in hindsight after they handed Marlow their arses back to them and told them to piss off midweek) we take a trip back up the sphincter of the M1 and into the bumhole of Britain that is Bedfordshire.

Apparently, the experts and bookies thought Bedford would be there or there abouts when it came to promotion and the playoffs, but as always they know absolutely fuck all and they're no where to be seen languishing in 15th.

But as we know, this has no bearing on the team we will face. The table seems to lie like Donald Trump's promises and we've been stung by Arseley and Uxbridge. Form means very little as one minute Histon are buggering teams 6-2 and the next they are being shafted by Fleet in the last ten minutes.

The Bedfords are coming off a 1-0 home defeat to Kempston which really didn't help us very much having not played midweek as Egham were pissing about in the Cunty Cup or the Tinpot League Cup or whatever, but we can steal a march on Royston Potato Peelers as they're playing in the Trophy, and long may that continue.
Don't expect any favours from the Towners today. The bastards.

Good news and bad news this week. Charlie "Chaplin" Allen departed for foreign fields as we knew would happen but credit to Spencer he's brought in some  talented chaps to fill his shoes. Eagle eyed Boro faithful members may have noticed that Michael "Churchill" Onovwigan made his debut centuries before the club announced his arrival, coming on for Chaplin in the second half against the Kidders. Alongside him came Femi "Dom" Orenuga. That's not going to confuse match reports and opposition team sheets much is it. They should take our lead and come up with witty nicknames to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment.

Anyway, Dom looks like he goes like shit off a shovel and knows where the onion bag is so this can only be a good thing. We haven't been operating with wingers recently, relying on the width coming from Tiny Dancer and Clintons has been more central but I'm sure Spencer knows what he's doing. He looks like he could be useful up top with the little fella.

It's anyone's guess whether the gaffa will play Churchill from the start or if Misha will step in to Chaplin's boots, although he's a small chap and looks like he's got smaller feet. He's more than capable and has faced the might of Bedford once this season already.

Justice has been done. Ollie "Hands" Treacher is off the hook and the blatant handball that no one seemed to dispute has been rescinded and he can line up alongside Fogle, who himself has signed back up for another two months which is ball bouncingly brilliant news.

Bedford's Team; who gives a tuppenny fuck.

COME ON YOU YELLOWS.

19/11/16 - 'Boro 3-0 Kidlington... a tale of 2 shit penalties

Another Retrospective Think Piece from The Boro Walk...

As I meandered through the cobbled streets of Queensmead on Saturday morning, in the shadows of the twin Poundlands, I overheard a couple of tramps squabbling over a half eaten Greggs steak slice they'd chanced upon. The conversation went something like this;
"Give me that fucking steak slice you piss soaked Aldersh*t watching scumbucket"
"OH fuck off nom-nom-nom... So anyway... who have you got today?"
"Kidlington"
"Kidlington??!"
"Yes, Kidlington"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS KIDLINGTON"...
Whilst there were no eye witnesses to corroborate the legitimacy of this turn of events, it did echo the sentiment that had been ringing around in my head. But we are where we are. Tinpot league. FML... as the kids say.

So, another week.... another new opponent. 16th place Kidlington it is. One of the largest villages in the country, allegedly, with no designs on upgrading to town status. So it was the anti town villagers versus our former town Goliaths.

Team news:-
Same old really. Eddie "Gillette" Smith still suffering with his cankle & Curtis "Mayfield" Osano still on sabbatical to continue his training to head out to lapland to help assemble karaoke machines. The eagle eyed Boro loyalists in the crowd would have noticed one new name on the bench... Michael Onovwigun, appearing from below the radar (theBoroWalk loves a live nicknaming challenge).

INTO THE ACTION and straight from kick off, John "Tiny Dancer" Oyenuga dribbled round their whole team, just for shits and giggles. His cross/shot a good palm warmer for the oppo gk.
Subsequent early exchanges suggested Kidders weren't here just to make up the numbers... the quality movement, of an inner city dance troupe on Britain's got talent, and pressing with such intent that Corby could well be inline to take over as their principle sponsor next season.
Unfortunately for our visitors, they had not banked on finding a Boro centre half pairing more rigid than Brian Broome's testicles. Cap'n CJ "Pammy" Fearn & Sam "Fogle" Pearce looked imperious at times. You could almost hear Aaron "The Slayer" Bufton purring as his 2 principle charges kept him safer than a cock ring at a lesbian wedding.
That said, they can't mark everyone at a corner... so when some green git stole some space, he planted a header firmly into the corner. Unfortunately for him, Ollie "hands" Treacher was on, ummm, hand to clear off the line. Definitely a case of ball to "hands"... or maybe ball to "hands'" balls.

With the clock pushing towards 30, Perry "The Hoffen" Coles unleashed a sweeping drive crossfield to Nic "Clintons" Ciardini, which did for Kidders rightback as he injured himself ballwatching it. Clintons surged into the area winning a corner..... Hold on, let me copy and paste.... Clintons corner landed on the golden napper of Josh "The Salmon" Huggins and the ballbag bulged!! 74th headed goal of the season for The Salmon...  1-0

Kidders RB had to leave the field. Weedon off. Make your own fucking jokes.

Other main highlight of the half was Kidders number 9 having a crack at the world record for getting caught offside. Think he got to around 87, so falling just a couple short. Unlucky son.

As HT neared, "Fogle" was getting the taste for goals and was cynically bundled over during one of his soirees into the box. PENALTY!! "Pammy" stepped up and launched the ball into orbit. Damn that bloody super moon. HT 1-0

Into the second half and both sides were jockeying for position like the start of the grand national.
"Fogle's" next goal hunt manoeuvre was a 20 yard free kick bent in like a faulty boomerang. To his disgust, Kidders' keeper got his big fat hands on to it. "Fogle" was just biding his time though.
In truth 'Boro were making hard work of it and, at times, looking more laboured than the delivery suite at Frimley Park.
Special mention for a crucial save by "The Slayer" from a Kidders free kick. Fisted it away like a bearded demigod.
New boy Michael "Churchill" Onovwigun made his 'Boro bow with 25 to go... Looks like the love child of Carlton Palmer and Rusty Lee. We wait with baited breath for the club to announce the terms of his stay!!
As Kidders grew in confidence, they tried to force it and the game went all Danny Dyer for a bit. Handbags, late tackles, player pile ups, kiss chase, bookings... PROPA' NAWWWTY

Into the last 10 and with the game on the edge of a blunt butter knife, "The Hoffen" released "Clintons" down the left and the Boro legend marauded towards the PRE, holding off the helpless defender in his inimitable style, and buried his shot deep into the ballbag, breaking the hearts of Kidders fans all over the village. 2-0

With Kidders heads going down, like a world prostitute championship finalist, Boro kept their foot on the gas and with "The Hoffen" a constant source of frustration, he earned another free kick down by the club shop. After dusting himself off, he stepped up to whip it into the box like a circus lion tamer. A deflection off the defender took it into the path of "Fogle" and he smashed a header beyond the redundant Kidders keeper. 3-0

There was still time for Kidders to get what they came for.... the chance to follow in the shoes of the man, the legend, CJ "Pammy" Fearn. When the ref decided that "Hands" had... well... handled in the box, he flashed his stiff red at him and "Hands" had to trudge off. Kidders' striker stepped up and tried to emulate his hero. Whilst he didn't quite match "Pammy's" elevation, he still comfortably cleared the MRE. Something for them to take home from their big day out.

FT.... WE WON 3-0

Summary....
Boro march on with another win, as we fucking should... Christ this league is tinpot.
We stay a point behind Roysters potato chips despite their best efforts to throw away a 3 goal lead against Egham & chips.

Next up... some other tinpot team in a tinpot friendly... then a slightly less tinpot team after that probably.

15/11/16 - Escape to (1-3) victory @ AFC Dunstable

15/11/16 - Escape to (1-3) victory @ AFC Dunstable -
A Retrospective Think Piece from The Boro Walk

Tuesday night was never likely to be simple. From the offset, 'Boro were forced into an unorthodox formation with our intrepid squad of misfits heroes scattered across the outer London motorway network. Rumours circulating police radios were that one Ethan "tooltime" Allen had instigated the chaos to throw Aaron "the slayer" Bufton off the scent of his poor timekeeping, thus avoiding his growling wrath....

Still... nice touch from our friends at AFC Dunstable to delay the kick off by 30 mins, to enable them to roll out the red carpet for the champions elect. Classy touch that. Classy touch.

Once our lads had all been re-hydrated and checked over by paramedics, following their 9 hour marathon journeys, the game got underway.
In a selfless act of sportsmanship, the decision was made to give our illustrious hosts a goal head start. So when AFC Dunst. grabbed a corner, after 6 mins, we did the honourable thing and adopted the "mark spaces" marking system. TOP TROLLING LADS!! 1-0

At that point the lads started getting a handle on their nerves, no doubt brought on by the cauldron atmosphere created by the near capacity crowd of 86. The inevitable equaliser came within 5 minutes. Charlie "Chaplin" Allen unleashed the man-bun of destiny and sprayed a 112 yard "hail mary" pass towards Dunst's box. Luckily the keeper and centre back hadn't quite finished their dress rehearsal for their new 2 man show 'dirty dancing on grass'. "Chaplin's" ball bounced right over the top of them and Dennis "The Fire Engine" Oli was on hand to extinguish the lead.... special mention to the defender running in who just failed in his attempt to gain a 3rd testicle made of leather. LINE TRICKLER!! 1-1

There weren't any other goals in the first half, the Boro players unable to stop themselves randomly bursting into fits of laughter at the omnishambles that was Dunst's defending.

We did make a good pun, at HT, about not folding at creasey park. That was a highlight.

Into the 2nd half and something was rumbling... deep (and no, this time it wasn't Nic "Clintons" Ciardini's stomach).... It was something wild, something unstoppable. All would become clear in the 68th minute as TheBoroWalk favourite Keith "Reggie Rat" Emmerson summoned the spirit of the Serengeti and took on the form of a rampant stampeding wildebeest. Gliding past players, taking 1-2's on both sides, leaving the rotting carcass' of Dunst's backline cast aside in his dust. Rounding the keeper like an 80's paperboy. Guts, determination, adrenaline.... nobody looked more surprised than he. BOOM 1-2

In amongst this, the obvious had been overlooked. One man goal machine Perry "the hoffen" Coles was yet to notch another mark on his evo-stik bedpost .... understandable as he's undoubtedly running short on room. That being said, he decided the time was right to put the game out of reach of the Dunst. and when "clintons" rammed a blockbuster into the paws of the keeper, "the hoffen" gobbled up the rebound like John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga at a strictly come dancing audition.
CRUISING-ish 1-3

End to end stuff ensued, Boro clearing their lines, like Daniella Westbrook at a house party, on more than 2 occasions. Bookings, hand bags, Dunst keeper going up like Boro at the end of the season.
Blah blah blah.., WE WON 3-1

SUMMARY...

Not even the stupid spelling mistake on our victory tweet could detract from the endeavours of tonight. Every White shirt can stand up and take their share of the applause. TOP BOMBING!!
AFC Dunstable, lovely setup... if they can get some varnish on the sideboard that is their end product, they can definitely achieve their ultimate goal of becoming the best team in Dunstable one day.

8 in 8 for "the hoffen"... luckily we've got "the fire engine" to control that blaze.
This was a big result for Boro.... A big big jobby of a result. Only a point behind the leaders now... top of the tree at Chrimbo seems apt. Begin the debate of angel vs star.

Next up.... some other tinpot side on Saturday.

Tuesday 15/11/16 - The Mighty Yellows @ AFC Dunstable – A preview

10 days is a long time in Football... especially if you're partaking in some form of charity match where you play football nonstop for 10 days straight. Luckily this is not the case for 'Boro as they've not kicked a ball, in anger, since last Saturday when Northwood were edged out 2-1 at the San Cheerio. A dramatic late(ish) winner from birthday boy Sam "Ali" Shaban enough to keep 'Boro on the heels of pace setters Roysters potato chips.


FaST forward 10 days and it's 5th v 2nd as 'Boro make the unenviable trip into deepest Bedfordshire to take on, one of the division's form sides, AFC Dunstable at Creasey Park. The OD's have only tasted defeat once in their last 7 league outings, with that defeat coming at the hands of the league leaders. They'll no doubt be confident they can pull off the 5 goal victory needed to see them leapfrog 'Boro up into 2nd.

The notable absentee (from the Northwood win game), captain CJ "Pammy" Fearn, should return to the ranks... after tightening up at the back.

The 'Boro, yet to taste defeat at fortress Cherrywood, cannot quite boast the same smug facade when it comes to away days. The season, to date, has yet to yield a solitary positive result from any  "competitive" midweek away game.... That said, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE'RE FARNBOROUGH....*deep breaths into brown paper bag*. If we're going to have this title wrapped up by March, then it's about time we started beating opponents down like a racist, orange, reality TV star, billionaire ball-bag in a US presidential election race.
Luckily we have our own Trump card in hotshot Perry "the Hoffen" Coles. If Nic "Clintons" Ciardini can find his feet again after deleting all those e-mails struggling for goals recently, AFC will no doubt be left reeling at the Dunce-table like a naughty schoolboy.

Hopefully it's a case of we republi-can get back to winning (a)ways and don't play democrap.
It's time for change, time to gain a romp, time to make Farnborough great again!!

Kick off at Creasey Park is 7:45

TheBoroWalk prediction: 5-2 'Boro

5/11/16 - The Mighty Yellows 2 v Northwood 1 – A Retrospective Think Piece from The Boro Walk

The air was crisp, the grass was green, the scarves were yellow and blue. The Guinness was off and the captain had the shits.

A team from the Wood of the North of somewhere appeared to march at us, fresh from wasting their and their fans time by rolling over at home to the league leaders Royston in the Trophy after a creditable draw away, it must have been to save themselves for their trip to “money-bags” Farnborough.

The return of Keith “Reggie the Rat” Emmerson at the back, slotting in next to skipper-for-the-day Sam “Ben Fogle” Pearce at centre half, was cause for early celebration and the beginning of proceedings suggested it would be a fruitful partnership in the absence of Curtis “Mayfield” Osano.

Tellingly, Ollie “Hands” Treacher was back as the left full of the backs, and John “Tiny Dancer” Oyenuga on the right which meant a quadruple defence that was as rigid as the Northwood woodwork. Back to that later.

Jack Barton returned in place of CJ with Charlie “Chaplin” Allen pulling the strings and his top bun through a scrunchy.

Early doors was a bit cagey. Post match it was discovered a number of the starters were playing through the pain barrier, not least Dennis “The Fire Engine” Oli who has been struggling with a torso injury and he was subjected to a number of rib ticklers from the ‘Wood central defenders.

But this was no joke. This was serious business. And there's few people in this league better at the business at the moment than Perry “the Hoffen” Coles. The clock hit 22 minutes and Chaplin chested down a cross from Nic “Clintons” Ciardini and there was The Hoffen, to use the sort of technique Paul Pogba could only have shamelessly copied, to drill it home into the bottom corner of the onion bag. Seven in seven for the ex -Cambo Rambo forward.

It was about fucking time. In the previous two home games Perry had scored within two minutes of the kick off. On Saturday he wasted twenty minutes. His form is clearly slipping.

Further evidence of this was after a few more minutes had passed, he took advantage of a goalkeeping mistake by their goalkeeper, naturally, and skipped past two challenges before hammering a shot against the North's “Wood”work.

Clinton peppered the opposition goal like an under seasoned steak and chips but to no avail.

In for the halftime Bovril just the one goal to the good. Still no fucking Guinness.

Typically, the Wooders bloody equalised in the second half with basically what was their only shot on target. Couldn't tell you who scored it, but as our exclusive updates on Saturday told you, it was some prick.

This brought us back to life and the Guy Fawkes Night fireworks came early, about 26 hours early in fact as Farnborough decided to have their display on the 6th.

Once again Perry “the Hoffen” picked up a knock down, this time charitably from the Northers centre back, spun on one of those new 5p’s that aren't that new anymore but really small, and lashed a shot that the Northwooders goalie could only “Perry” straight into the path of substitute Sam “Ali” Shaban who made no mistake because it would have been less a mistake and more of a fucking catastrophe if he’d missed. My 96 year old Gran could have scored it. She has as well. Except she was probably nearer 70 at the time. But credit where credit’s due, he did what all good make shift strikers (because we don't have any others) would do, and slotted into the goal.

Que polite pandemonium. I mean, it wasn't a last minute winner like Jamie Cureton's against Fleet (I miss you) but it was within the last ten minutes, so it would definitely fall into the BBC Final Score category of a “late winner”.

Another hugely important three points without ever being close to top gear, although at times it was like James May’s driving. What is vital is winning games like this and we did win. 2-1. A win is a win.

The referee nearly ruined it at the end by being a cock and giving a foul for a perfectly legitimate shoulder barge and then blowing the final whistle, but it didn't ruin it. Because Boro won.