Preview - COSPlay.... the Chalfont of St. Peter Ndlovu

There's a point in every football team's season where the penny drops and you come to the realisation of what your probable natural resting step, on the league ladder, is more than likely to be come the screech of the final final whistle at the conclusion of the campaign. Being a 'Boro fan, obviously it was taken as read that our night would come at the hands of our title opponents, on a fucking freezing night that we had to drive for fucking hours to get to. A game that had been moved more times then a Winston Churchill bust in the White House.

It was a conscious decision for us not to issue a report post the Royston Potato chips debacle, so we're certainly not going to break cover on that now. We were shit, they were excellent. The following evening we learnt, from our overlord, that half the team had been injured, ill, stuck at work, AWOL, dreaming of pastures new and indulging in high class prostitutes... so, while there was still no excuse for the contrast to the prior Saturday's monumental dismantling of the BRovers, it was some miniscule crumb of solace to cling to, sort of.

So with our plucky neighbours giving us the massive hard cold shoulder on Tuesday night, the cold hearted pitch that she is, all roads lead back to fortress Cherrywood for the baptism of their holiness, the Chalfont of St. Peter Ndlovu.

So what do we know about "The Saints"? Well we know fuck all about them as it's frankly not in our remit to scout our opponents. However, we can certainly take an irreverent look at some random crap and draw a completely biased opinion on what the potential outcome of today will be. 

The Chalfont of St Peter Ndlovu are currently resting in 12th place. They certainly appear to have become persistent sinners since the last time we played them. Their disciples arrive at the San Cherrio off the back of 2 titanic home battles with the Aylesbury twins, a 3-2 win and a 2-2 draw. Prior to that they were crucified by the DunceTable, Barry Mar-ni-low, BRovers & the B-field psychos. You don't need us to point out that a win should be gospel. They haven't drawn away from home this season. So shit or bust for them generally. We ruined the congregation back in late September with a 2-0 crusade. 

TV's Bradley Walsh was a striking parishioner at the Chalfont of St Peter Ndlovu back in the early 80's, for a short while. Hopefully we can spin "the wheel of fortune", "The Chase" them down and take another step towards our "Coronation Street" as promotion shoo-ins.

What do we know from our messiah? (he's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!) Well, the squad update has been put back more times then spare undercrackers in a secondary school lost property bin. That said, Sam "Ali" Shaban appears to have had a u-turn and decided to keep heading it into the net, as opposed to heading for the exit. Sam "Fogle" Pearce has trained with the squad since the conclusion of his loan spell, so it would not be the biggest surprise in the world to see him turning out again. Jack "Mischa" Barton will hopefully be back with a supercharged inhaler & Eddie "Gillette" Smith will have gone more then 12 hours without injuring his ankle. We're hopeful of seeing super cap'n CJ "Pammy" Fearn back to somewhere near full strength too. But in Summary... WE DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING!

With the glorious aroma of the communion of free Burger and Chips, for God's sake it's time for atonement. 

Kick off at the San Cherrio is 3pm.

theBoroWalk prediction: 6-1

10 days... Smashed at The 'Bar, how "the mighty" were felled & Titan Clashing

It's been a busy week at theBoroWalk towers. But thought it best to offload a cavalcade of verbal diarrhoea, just for the sake of our own sanity.


So spank my arse and call me Judy. Let's peddle back to 10 days ago and there we were traipsing the streets of Potters Bar, knowing full well that we'd just pissed our title hopes well and truly up the wall with another second half capitulation.

It had been an odd venture into Hertfordshire. We'd witnessed a fight at a service station, a guy fall off his moped & what can only be described as an 'albatross turd' obliterating the car windscreen with the moral abandon of a Donald Trump tweet. Maybe that should have given us some warning for how the afternoon was going to pan out. The Pakex stadium was neat and compact, much like many of the other places we've graced with our illustrious presence this season... lots of trees though. Always nice to see local residents able to gain "premium" seating just by taking a crap in their bathrooms too.

Curtis "Mayfield" Osano was back in the starting lineup after his cameo against AshFord Mustang. Eddie "Gillette" Smith was back from his ankle troubles so 'Boro's line up had a smidgen of an attacking vibe to it... nice. Ollie "hands" Treacher & Jack "Mischa" Barton would make way like a cheap chair collapsing under Steve Evans rotund buttocks. Also worth a mention that the number 11 shirt was absent... presumably it'd been out on the Jagerbombs in Camberley the prior night.
Boro were at it from the off and after a foul in the box, the glorious sound of the refs whistle instigated a Boro spot kick. Of course "Gillette" knows how to write a script, so he stepped up and smashed the pen deep into the Ravan Constable's ball bag. He 'beat' the keeper 1-0 (need to stop there or we'll get bogged down in police puns, don't panda to me).

Anyway, chances came and went until around 25mins when Nic "Clintons" Ciardini bent a free kick in towards Sam "Fogle" Pearce who got a bit Messi and flicked it into the path of Perry "The Hoffen" Coles to despatch like a UPS employee of the month. Not really surprising, the lad scores so frequently that his blood type is A-goal positive. 2-0

So there we were, cruising. Plus, we were stroking it around like John Terry at a player's wives night out. The start of the sowing of the seeds of doubt commenced when Gillette went down under the tackle of the fantastically named Willy Wambeek a few minutes before HT. Ankle grabbed and off he goes. Football can be a cruel mistress at times. Mischa Barton made his way on and the Boro coasted through to half time like a red funnel ferry.
Second half? Well, let it not be said that we don't acknowledge opponents efforts. The Bar came out and had a hypothetical outfit change Elton John would have been proud of. Heart, drive & commitment. They started winning the challenges that they were losing out on 1st half and, as with many Boro away days this season, you felt like an oppo goal could really land us in some bother. Boro, on the other hand went more backwards then a republican voter. Took less then 15 minutes...blah blah blah 2-1
The Bar took the game to us and were hitting on us like, well, like John Terry at a player's wives night out. John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga, "Mischa" Barton & "Fogle" all made huge last gasp clearances when goals looked on the cards. The Hoffen could have wrapped it up on a couple of occasions but was just not firing on top cylinders.
So roll on 90 mins and the hypothetical bright green 3 goes up. All Boro fans bums squeaking like a sooty show puppet factory. The ref allows the time to tick over and "hands" Treacher gets turned on the edge of the area, at the corner of the box, the attacker then has a touch of Torville and Dean's Bolero and goes for the perfect 10. Ref buys it hook, line and sinker and awards the spot kick for which "the Slayer" can do nothing to prevent the inevitable. 2-2  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

To add salt to our gaping wounds, Royston potato chips have only gone and edged out Beaconsfield psychos 6-4... 6 BLOODY 4. What the fuck is that about?!?!

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and then... in midweek.....

KIDLINGTINGTONG 2-1 ROYSTON POTATO CHIPS

Soccer eh??
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RIGHT... Saturday. Time to stand up and be counted. After the euphoria of the Royston potato chips result, in midweek, it was time to rise from the shadows and start the crusades to exorcise the ghosts of Potters Bar.

Barton Rovers were the unwitting lambs to the slaughter. On paper, this looked trickier than to rock a rhyme that's right on time. "The mighty Rovers", yes that really is their nickname, were 4th placed and had lost fewer times then the Harlem Globetrotters lately. But stuff it, the San Cherrio was rife with burger hunters and euphoric optimism for some reason. There was something in the air.... and today it wasn't Nic "clintons" Ciardini's dodgy poundshop aftershave.

Team news? Nothing to report other than Eddie "Gillette" Smith shaking off his latest round of ankle trauma to take his place in the starting XI. We were all pleased the number 11 shirt was back in play, his absence had definitely been felt, guessing it was a rotator cuff injury.... No, you shut up!! On the bench, George "Weah" Jeacock was back.

The first couple of minutes was basically most of the Boro outfield getting really fucking shirty at Aaron "the slayer" Bufton for a couple of dodgy shanks. This climaxed in the Boro bench absolutely crucifying him for not picking up a ball which was clearly outside of his area. However, Buoyed by some old skool encouragement from Curtis "Mayfield" Osano & Keith "Reggie rat" Emmerson ("ignore them and play your own fucking game"), the Slayer launched a route-oner which ended up in the slip stream of Perry "the Hoffen" Coles who despatched a half volley of absolute filth into the keeper's NEAR side ballbag stick. My fucking god that lad has got more execution than death row.
1-0

Boro continued to grow into the game and were starting to show more application than a pimped up Samsung Galaxy, more Pace than a Jamaican sprinters convention and more conviction then operation YewTree.

A few more minutes rolled by and suddenly the BRovers defence decided to take another nap and John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga foxtrotted to the byline and cut back for "Gillette" to calmly sidefoot past the ballbag protector. 2-0

Boro continued to press like a room of journalists but couldn't add to their tally before HT was upon us. Special note for "Fogle's" monumental effort from just inside the Boro half which had the keeper scrambling like the world omlette championships. Foot lower or so and we were in viral youtube territory. HT 2-0

With the previous week's balls up still fresh in our minds, there was a tangible feeling of trepidation in the air as we grazed upon the second instalment of free food January. Special mention for the young lad in front of us who poured sugar all over his chips. Maybe there's a metaphor for the HT team talks there, but who knows.

It hadn't gone unnoticed in the first half that a few of the BRovers players appeared to be auditioning for extras roles in the sequel to the Football Factory. Unfortunately that would develop as the match went on.

The second half started and the good news was that we weren't sitting back, weren't standing off and weren't looking to shepherd out the 2-0. It was a different 2nd half Boro, which had brought out some work rate to show off to the baying hoards. They needed it to. BRovers were really starting to bring their partypiece as they fast realised they didn't have the skill or patience to unlock the Boro defense. That skill? Getting more physical then an Olivia Newton John Greatest Hits. "Fogle", "Mayfield", CJ all joining in with some absolutely exquisite examples of how to defend. "The Slayer" must have been purring in his ballbag.
"Fogle" went on a footy pub crawl and hit a couple of Bars. His last San Cherrio game before he departs for pastures new??
As BRovers couldn't get anywhere near the Boro box, their physicality poured into the midfield and one border line assault left our heroic captain flattened and in need of the stretcher. Very very lucky to escape a red card from where we were. Perhaps the ref applying subconscious caution due to the fact he knew the result was only going one way.

By the time their number 4 got right up in the linesman's face and was subbed for being a complete bellend, Boro had just about had enough of toying with their opponents like an Ann Summers party rep. "Clintons" took the ball on a mazey run across the outside of the BRovers area and smashed a left foot drive into the ballbag which nearly ripped the net off the stanchion, in a similar manner to him donning the 11 shirt at Potters Bar. 3-0 
What's that sound?? It's the sound of Sam "Ali" Shaban twitching on the bench. He smells goals that boy and knew there was more to be had. So when the "Gillette" show was cut short, on came "Ali" to thunderous applause and within a minute he stamped his authority like a 1930's headteacher with a cane. A driven cross from "Reggie" on the left found substitute George "Weah" Jeacock's head and he calmly steered it back across goal for "Ali" to rise like a salmon and nod in the cherry(wood) on top... despite the best efforts of the neanderthal number 5 trying to bum him Gentle-y. 4-0

It almost felt like those hazy August days when we were steamrollering everybody in sight.... Credit where it's due... the formation looked as solid today as it's looked in ages. CLICK!

SOOOO.... the small matter of the almighty Royston now.
Look, we don't subscribe to this "massive underdogs" tag that our almighty leaders are peddling, because we don't think there's too much between us. Yes, Royston have had a phenomenal run and have pulled off some big results in the trophy. But these things happen and, when it comes down to it, it's 11 v 11. Our boys can mix it up with anyone in this league. We've got nothing to fear.

Boro 2 Ash Ford Sierra 1 - an old banger not quite cut and shut

Football is back. After what seemed an eternity, the beautiful game was being graced by Farnborough F.C. A sun drenched but frickin freezing PRE was swelled with bodies old and young, swelled by gluttony and sloth.

Obviously, the Boxing Day derby clash with Fleet was postponed in tragic circumstances and it left a hole in every respect.

If you hadn't spent the whole of the previous week shoveling enough calories into your cakehole to give you a fighting chance in a George Borg look-a-like contest, in the month when the sales of smoothy makers and blenders hit the roof, Boro buck the trend and give you free burger and chips when you buy the essential cup of tea to stave off frostbite.

The mild yuletide had frozen over and new year was distinctly brass monkeys but the lure of top class non league football and gratis fast food was enough to get the punters back into San Cheerio. It wasn't entirely clear whether they were there purely for the football or the grub as the queue was permanently twenty deep and resembled a line of school kids escaping Jamie Oliver's healthy school dinners and in search of a turkey twizzler.

The Boro Walk even missed the first five minutes of the second half.

It was almost enough to forego the offer if it wasn't for a first forty five as rusty as Rusty Lee's rusty old kitchen spoons left out in the rain to go even rustier. It felt like we deserved something back.

In the absence of game time, the boys had extra training sessions over the Christmas period, but fitness is all well and good but they looked like the only round things they'd seen in two weeks were brussel sprouts, Reggie's bald head and their own bollocks in the bath.

This is despite Ash Ford Mondeo going down to ten men when their left back chappy failed to notice their goalie rushing from his goal and proded the ball past him for the on rushing Hoffen. At the best of times he is faster than a spade of falling runny horse shit and the Ash Ford Fiesta defender sythed him down unceremoniously earning a red card from the ref who appeared to be some kind of wizard as the flashing of the card resulted in the Ash Ford Cortina player to disappear into thin air.

All it seemed to do was allow Ash Ford Granada to reorganise and take the game to our boys. Pammy nearly sliced into his own net if it wasn't for the sharp reactions of the Slayer. Aaron's goal was seasoned with salt and curlers and daisy cutters and field goal attempts but to no avail.

Until the curse of the Hanwell spectre reappeared and an Ash Ford KA striker skipped through the Boro centre halves like Dustin Hoffman and sent a rising effort above the advancing Slayer into the roof of his ballbag. Ballbags.

No more than they or we deserved.

Boro scrapped their way to the half time whistle and we fans joined the back of the queue for what seemed like hours as the good people fried their fingers to the bone. The kick off came and went with no changes apart from our fingers regained it's feeling after holding a cup of tea.

Just as we were retaking our seats in the PRE, Clinton's found space on the left, drove at their make shift defence and placed a ball into the six yard box that a combination of The Fire Engine, The Hoffen and an Ash Ford lacking Focus defender pushed in at the near post. All square and no sauce was spilt in celebration.

From then on it was one way traffic of the like not seen since the casting agents for I'm a Celebrity turned up at a TOWIE filming. The extra man seemed to be paying dividends and spaces opened up.

The ball Rick O'Shea'd around the box like a virgin with his first prostitute, shots were blocked and it finally span into the air where Clinton's met it with what he intended to be a bullet header but ended up being a top of the bonce looper that deceived the keeper at his front post. Pandemonium ensued. Fortunately, chips were finished.

Then the inevitable twitchy bumholes made an appearance but enough about Spencer pacing the touchline, we were a bit nervous.

In stark contrast to the refs decision making in the first half but not in the general standard of officials that visit Cherrywood, The Slayer was booked for time wasting which is frankly fucking laughable in comparison to the Ash Ford Male Escort keeper who spent so long at goal kicks and with the ball in his hands when they were a goal up, those in the food queue had time to order, pay, wait, smother with ketchup and consume before needing to look up. Of course the ref didn't feel the need to pull him up as it wasn't in the last ten minutes and they'd had a player sent off. The grapes of a eunoch.

Fortunately, Ash Ford Orion had blown their load in the first half and  had no petrol left in the tank.

Not pretty, but that's enough about the Ash Ford Anglia number 5, Boro were far from their best but champions win ugly, but that's enough about the Ash Ford (I've run out of crap Ford cars) number 7.

Onto Potters Bar and Social Club.

This review has taken longer than an Ash Ford keepers goalkicks. In the absence of any other news from the club about anything at all we'll assume it's the same starting line up. Hopefully Reggie came through the 90 unscathed.

The Barmen aren't in the best of form but away games in January are far from simple affairs, but we've generally performed well on the road recently so we expect a hard fought victory.

Please could we all pray that somehow Royston Potato peelers start dropping points as well.

As always. 

COME ON YOU YELLOWS!!

Prediction: 3-2 Boro

Preview - Ash Ford Sierra

So here we are... 3 and a half years since our last game.
16 days with no footy!! Perhaps the FA have bunged us a few quid to road test the 'winter break' theory, who knows.
When we left you last time, we had just toppled the Old Dunstablians and, much like John Terry, we're drooling over the fact we could enjoy our massive roasting on top of the pile. Come new year though and it's more like John Terry having sloppy seconds as, due to Royston potato chips edging out whipping boys Histon by the odd goal in 3 on boxing day, we find ourselves occupying the runners up spot again.

So all the players will no doubt be chomping at the bit to get out on the hallowed turf at the San Cherrio and rediscover what it feels like to kick a football.
Player news over Chrimbo? Not too much to report... The Fleet rumour mill suggested that we tried to get goal machine Pat Cox in, but he turned down a lucrative dream move. Obviously this was of great frustration to us as tweeting about "Cox smashing it in the ballbag" would have been comedy gold, but in "the Hoffen" and "the Fire Engine" we have 2 quality up-toppers. Lewis Hayden has moved on to a new challenge as a Ducking Aylesburyan and we obviously wish him well. Still no word on the return of Curtis "Mayfield" Osano, but we're sure all will be revealed very soon. Keith "Reggie Rat" Emmerson will hopefully be in the mix for selection despite a grade 2 tear in his quad sustained the week before Chrimbo. The players were down training on Tuesday evening and, in an exclusive interview with theBoroWalk, Ass.Man. Jon "JR" Reed confirmed that all the lads were thankfully not in a state of turkey bloat and the focus was clearer then Santa's January schedule.

Boro Ass.Man. JR

"We are aware it's a Big January and over the next 4/5 weeks, the top six will be more set in stone. We can only concentrate on churning wins and performances out as no one else will do us favours. There are big clashes between all the top 6, including us playing Barton & Royston in a week! It's a very tough league and everyone wants to take us down.

We put on a very tough 2hour fitness session on Tuesday, and all the boys came through ok. We need to be more ruthless in finishing games off and better performances can only help TRY and bring fans back. We thank everyone for their continued support and will try everything within the budget to get out of this league."

So there you have it... the stall has been set out more clearly than a Coconut shy.

It's the Bank Holiday visit of Ashford Town (MiddleEarth).
What can we say about them that hasn't already been said?!? Not a fucking clue to be honest. They're currently 12th, the internet suggests it's a bit of a hole so they'll no doubt feel right at home arriving on the outskirts of Totland. They drew with Egham&chips on boxing day, but every club in the history of football does that, so not much to be taken from that. They've only won once, in the league, in the last 2 months (Histon), BUT they can score goals... they just have a habit of conceding more.
91 goals in their games so far, 85 in ours.... should be a bloomin' goal frenzy really.
Hopefully the free Burger & chips isn't the highlight of the afternoon.

Come on Lads... let the March to glory commence.

theBoroWalk prediction: 4-1 Boro