That said though, cometh the hour, cometh the WhatsApp notifications and out of the jaws of defeat came a plan. A plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it call it a 90's Norwich City winger. Thus it would come to pass that a combination of bribes, favours, lifts, spare socks, an ex-girlfriend's dad, a bbq pulled pork sausage roll and 3 asda bags for life would make the trip viable and mean that we were
The last week of pre season hadn't yielded too much in terms of positives. A narrow win at losechester, with Ipat Cox (ForALiving) sitting out on the overlords' "gentleman's agreement", wasn't very eventful. The trip to Molesey-u-next-tuesday turned into a massive flaming turd on the front lawn of our season as "Richlist" Forbes and "Mustard" Calcutt were cut down by a nasty little bellend of a trialist who we'll just call Max Molesey.
So as I sped into St.Neots train station, still catastrophically over the limit & looking to assemble a human leaning post for the afternoon's festivities, making it for kick off was still evens at best. That was in no way assisted by the small collective of half cut grannies, heading off to goodness knows where to do goodness knows what, who thought that the access road seemed to be the best place to congregate to talk about whatever the hell old women talk about pre getting on it. I'm guessing it was doilys, scone recipes & bloody foreigners. HOORAAH, there he is... "get in you prick, it's 10 to and I have a hankering for a Ginsters and a Yorkie. Hello Tesco Express."
Having nicked a late winner over Tesco Express (a), we descended on the picturesque surroundings of the Premier Plus Stadium car park and, still in division 1 central autopilot, were very pleased to find a tidy little ground! Welcome back step 3, we've missed you. Nice little stand, lush shrubberies, plenty of well varnished sheds, a slightly sinister camera galley floating above a concrete wall... something for everyone!
Quick check of the team news confirmed the fallout from the battle of the Molesey prick. As feared, both Richlist & Mustard hadn't even made the bench. Chris "Johnny" Regis sprinted into the lineup along with other newly confirmed arrival, ball bag stopper, Liam "Jagger" Stone relegating "ChilliCon" Cairney to the
Their goalie was called Emery so we played with some punnery around Dick Emery for a while and whether he'd be awful (ask your grandparents kids), until we noticed the ref was called Cheek. We pondered on whether he'd be an "arse" or a "turn-the-other".
A pretty frantic start as within seconds we were in their box and "Curo-ro-ro your boat" flicked a clever little toe poke down the stream which appeared to catch the defender on his sleeve holder. Pen? Seen them given, but the ref decided to turn the other.... oh, you know.
The hosts had their first meaningful soiree into the Boro box a couple of mins later as Clintons got maneuvered by their big no.7, he rounded Jagger only to find Clintons back on the line thwarting him with his notable girth.
Boro continued to show some cojones and forced a couple of corners. Notably "the Salmon" Huggins connecting with his first headed sighter of the campaign. "Tiny Dancer" Oyenuga took up where he left off last season, terrorising defences like a Jamaican backyard pyromaniac. It was one of his foxtrots to the bisexual line which resulted in the first glorious ceremonial bulging of the ballbag. His cross arrowed it's way in across the box and, spying his name up in lights, the Easter Bunyan took aim as he saw glory beckon. Then, in a show of unrelenting selflessness, he spotted Clintons surging into prime location and skillfully dummied* the ball into the path of the on rushing legend who coiled up his right peg and unleashed a curler of sickening clinicality. (*thanks for the tenner Matt, definitely not an air-shot-shanker). 1-0 Boro
That was sort of it in terms of meaningful Boro chances for the half. The Easter Bunyan picked up a booking for what we'll call a "team foul" after about 25 mins.
The Saintly Neotians continued to press but appeared to have left their final ball back in their pre season notes. Jagger putting on a solid performance, between the sticks, as and when required. Reg the ledge made a sublime last ditch tackle right on half time, that got a hearty round of applause from the readying snack bar faithful. HT 1-0
Were we good value for the lead? Yes, we scored one, they didn't. I guess that's soccer eh folks. Were our bums starting to squeak? That's affirmative. Were we gelling like a footballing superpower? Not really no, but it was our first game so fuck all of that, we just wanted to sodding win. I really was very hungover.
Chips in our bellys it was on to the 2nd half. First 15 was mostly them probing. Jagger made a save or two. Again, more shit balls in our final third was making them seem more wasteful then an obese belt convention.
Curo could maybe have done better when some hoffen/Reg build up play presented him with a header which he couldn't steer on target. We especially enjoyed the Reg blockbuster, a few minutes later, which, from our angle, seemed to move in the air like a ballistic missile. Ballbag protector did well to get his boots in the way.
"Truncheon" Hutchings and "Mischa" Barton took their places via some latter substitutions and, credit where it's due, we held out pretty valiantly in the face of some, at times, sustained pressure. Top marks go to the salmon for leaving nothing in the changing room. FT 1-0
Summary... not a game for the purist really. The Salmon and Cap'n Ceej looked solid, tiny dancer and Clintons looked dangerous when they could find the space and Reg continues to look solid as a cock. "Johnny" Regis needs to calm down a little and I'm not sure how effective the up and unders will be against the better defences of this league. That said... 1st day of the season, long old trip, 3 points, clean sheet & clear motorway the whole way back to 'boro... you cannot argue with that. Unless you're a really fucking miserable sod. We're just miserable sods.
It's the Royston potato peelers next.... that'll be fun.
Oh, we were due to empty out the business account too. Sponsorshit time...
#UpTheBoro
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