Friday 8 September 2017

Not Sweet at Fucking All Cup: an unwanted five-fer.

With the end of days fast approaching, Farnborough are making sure we go out as miserably as possible.

Two braindead knuckleheads going face to face, but that's enough about Day and Claridge, if there's to be an apocalypse, the very least we want is to go out with a smile on our faces, and possibly our trousers around our ankles.

Normally when you talk about a five-fer it's either a nice surprise in your jeans pocket or five wickets have tumbled to a fast arm or sly flicks of the wrist.

Well in this case it's certainly a load of wank but it's not all our own doing. Bad luck, bad officialling and a bender into the far corner as someone else finishes us off. It's a whole hands worth of defeats leaving us feeling empty and deflated.

Oh for the optimism of that sunny day in Cambridgeshire as we skipped gaily away from the St Neots with three points tucked into the back pocket of our best shorts and belief that it's all going to be ok.

It might be, dear friends, it might be. But as the dark clouds roll in, summer is turning into the autumn of our discontent.

On Saturday just past, the great bastion of British sporting history, the Football Association Cup came to town. The streets had never been so excited. Not since Smyths Toy Shop opened has there been such a furore on a Saturday. Bank Holidays maybe, but not a Saturday. Would we get 500 coming through the turnstiles? Would we get a fucking win?!?

No and fucking NO!!!!

With more surprises than an extra special episode of Surprise, Surprise where Cilla rises from the dead like Jesus fucking Christ, ANOTHER NEW PLAYER is in the starting line up. Taofiq Olomowewe (or Pissflaps as we christened him) was at centre half alongside Hightower back from injury, thank Christ, with The Salmon suspended by his own petard (and the F.A), CJ injured, Reggie at a wedding and Hucknall out on loan, we were scrapping the big barrel of spares and releases.

Thanks to someone with half a bloody brain at HQ, The Organ's red card had been rescinded, withdrawn and returned up the ref's arse, so he was back to show us what he can't do at right back. Truncheon was on the left.

In midfield, Clintons was given the armband, and what appeared to be a wandering brief, and it was pretty brief. Johnny Regis was in the centre with "Good" Evans and Football Focus was given the much deserved, essential, blindingly obvious first start on the right.

Up top was Pinky and Perky.

Let's have it.

Unfortunately we seemed far more interested in receiving within the first twenty minutes, and Salisbury were more than willing to plough us senseless.

If was a bit like deja fucking vu as after giving us a damn good pummelling, they took in the lead, when their No.7 prick, who was pretty useful and had a delicate, gentle touch was given the kind of room normally reserved for wedding nights to stroke home from the left of the area, off the upright.

As with the Sloughing we were given on Bank Holiday Monday, it looked like the floodgates would open like Iris over Houston. And we did have a massive fucking problem.

However just like last week, it appeared that our opposition decided it was all too easy and removed their pedal from the metal. This time, on the stroke of half time, some head tennis across their back line let Football Focus in on goal and with what we believed to be his weaker foot and from a difficult angle he slammed it into the far post, and just inside the onion bag. Whilst we dislike the antics going on at Billericay, we'd like to get on our knees and thank Glen Tamplin for lending us Dan "Football Focus" Walker. He's been the one bright spark in this run of dark, dark, putrid arse water of results. Can we have him for longer please, Glen, PLEASE!!

Half time would have been a blessed relief on 42 minutes but now we'd have preferred not to have gone in for a brew.

BUT.....

For a tiny period in the beginning of second half, the God of Football shone down on our little club and the lead was not so much gift wrapped as it had been given the full Rowan Atkinson in Love Actually treatment. A hopeful Football Focus ball over the top to the Hoffen was too long, but Perry gave their centre half enough to worry about so he didn't notice the keeper legging it out of his area and he nodded it straight past him and towards the empty goal. The look on Perry's face suggested he considered letting it roll in, but his natural striker instincts meant he tapped it in basically on the goal line.

Somehow we were 2-1 up, and it was perfect timing for the inebriated, misogynistic bellend who had been sat in front of us in the first half making pathetic comments about Emily when she came on to treat Hightower who had taken a blow to head and needed glueing back together. As he strolled past with burger and pint in his chubby mits he was given a proper mouthful from some of our youngsters in the PRE. Fucking poetry.

That was where the high points of the day ended though.

Credit to Claridge's pricks they picked themselves up and came back at us. It was only a matter of time before the equaliser came and it happened in our box from a corner and the woodwork and Liam might have saved the first header and I could have watched the highlights by FCVideo but I didn't ok cos i didn't want to because shortly after the equaliser they scored the winner when their substitute prick cut inside and curled one off in to the corner of the ball bag. Fuckerty bollocks.

The metaphorical field we play on is strewn with cow pats from the devil's own satanic herd.

We can make excuses and some are fair but sometimes you just have to knuckle down and grind the results out and we aren't doing that at the moment. Injuries will ease slowly, Richlist was on the bench but possibly only to make up the numbers, but hopefully he'll feature against Kings Langley this weekend.

There's a run of fixtures coming up now against teams in, around and below us. Now is the time to pick up some vital points, starting with the trip to Hertfordshire on Saturday and then we go to Gosport on Tuesday, followed by a weekend off as the GIVE.A.FA-CUP plays out the 2nd Qualifying Round.

Both teams won through narrowly in the cup last week against inferior opposition, but then they may say the same about us when we're in the league above Salisbury but in truth there isn't much to separate us on a level playing field, but we haven't had one of them for ages, and I'm not talking about the carpet we play on at San Cheerio.

Mustard has admirably been trying to play when not fit and he came on very early on when Spencer decided he'd had enough of what he'd seen from Regis and Evans and yanked them off after less than half an hour gone. He'll hopefully be ready to go now and we'll need him at his best as that will make the difference.

Reg the Ledge should have shaken off the hangover from the Reception, The Salmon might be back we're not sure but we think Hucknall will return as the month is up and Ruzicka has gone back out on loan to Fleet.

But, let's be honest, who the fuck knows. We could have even more new players.

Something to look forward to anyway.

Won't even consider a prediction. Don't want to tempt fate.

We'll see you there.

As always, COME ON YOU YELLOWS.

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