That reluctant glance at the fixture list, hoping that the day would bring Dunstable or Gosport at home, was frankly ruined by the realisation that it was former Conference adversaries Kettering who were descending in our general direction. A glance up the league ladder saw them perched up in the bronze medal position. Clearly their lofty ambitions were at a more advanced stage of execution than ours. Going on recent form though, they'd have to go some to outscore us... or rather they'd have to go some to out-concede us.
TEAM NEWS and there was no sign of "fister" Southam or the Hammond "organ" or indeed "Richlist" Forbes for that matter too, as per usual it seemed we were down to the bare bones again. "Mischa" Barton was in for a deserved start in the centre and the odds were on "Good" Evans to plug that pesky right back spot. More interesting was the bench. Bobby "Davro" Dormer had signed on from the CowThorpe park feeder club lot and Lamidi "George" was yet another new face. Literally could find nothing on him on t'internet... let's hope he could bamboozle some defences with equal effectiveness.
Into the action and.... 0-1
Boro's back 4 were stretched across the park and their winger dropped one right on the noggin' of their big'ol' unit of a number 9 who had a running jump on Reg. Could "Kula" Cafer have done better in his ballbag area?? Hands up I thought he could of. But I'm not a GK coach. Maybe Keith "net'in'yahoo" Benjamin could lay some analysis on us for that one.
'Boro had a brief foray into the Ket'rin' half as Perry "the Hoffen" Coles slip streamed into peak 'feret on speed' mode and created the space for "Good" Evans to surge to the bisexual line and square for "Mustard" Calcutt to snatch at his shot like "clintons" in 'spoons at happy hour.
The visitors were soon back at it though and, following a routine belt up-field, Josh "the Salmon" Huggins proceeded to caress the ball, into the path of the on-rushing striker, with his nipples. Thankfully the increased blood flow to his areolas allowed him to reach breakneck speed and clear the aforementioned striker's effort off the line, after his rounding of the marooned "kula" Cafer.
Our transient guests did not have long to wait for yet more ballbag action though as a corner, yes you guessed it, was arched in to the Boro box. "Mustard" flicked one on, "Kula" Cafer spiked his punch with a big ol' slice of mouldy orange peel, Curo couldn't clear it and the ball bag did bulg'eth. 0-2
The red invaders were building more of head of steam than a man with a kettle for a head, as our backline rocked on it's haunches. Stretching us across the park and then steering the balls through the gaps like a bunch of tea-bagging man whores. They could have been a couple further ahead by the time we crafted together our first real moment of quality. "Clintons" "Cap'n Ceej" and "the Salmon" all working together like a very oily machine giving "Mustard" the opportunity to turn the defender and unleash a shot with more venom then an 80's cartoon bad guy. Optimism lasted about 42 seconds though as their left back suddenly turned into Bobby Charlton with a man bun, jinking through our back line and leathering his shot into "Kula" Cafer's nearside stick. 0-3 HT
Kettering probably the best side we've seen in 45 this season. We were shit.
Into the second section and, with Bobby "Davro" Dormer on and little to lose, we started actually stringing some passes together and finding a bit of space. Kettering, knowing the game had gone, were sitting back and inviting us on like a big old slapper at the dogging. "The Hoffen" and "Mustard" both had half chances, stinging the ballbag protectors palms like a couple of dotard wasps. "Clintons", now operating on the right, arched his way in and dumped his load from 25 yards out, just exceeding the crossbra.
The Special K's began to find their feet though and, with us pushing forward, found a few gaps to move in on. A moment of high comedy ensued in which "Kula" Cafer simultaneously blocked and nearly scored a belting OG with his face which thankfully was cleared miraculously by "Ceej" mentality.
Boro pressed again and finally got some well earned reward when, after a couple of corners, one finally found it's way on to a big yellow head and "Mustard" had got us on the board. 1-3
With the visitors' defences breached for the first time in around 15 years, they suddenly were starting to flap like a bunch of startled penguin smugglers. "The Hoffen" could have reduced the deficit further, right before Curo contrived to miss a header from 3 yards out, striking the bar. He gestured to the ref out of moderate desperation, might have had a point.... but then.....
Absolute worldie from that lad "Mischa" Barton again. Just drink it in 2-3
It's fair to say that not since that roadkill special of masterchef has something so flat ever been turned into something so tasty.
Up the other end and the ref began to move into his "I'm a massive bellend" phase as some cumulative shirt lifting from "suck my balls" Everitt and their attacker, while waiting for an incoming cross, resulted in the man in black pointing to the spot. Their striker stepped up and absolutely thrashed it against the crossbar!! GAAAAAME ONNNNNNN
Momomomomentum as Boro earned yet another corner.... floated in... who else do you want on those beautiful second balls in the box but that little flippin' legend. J'aime le Cureton!! 3-3
Chaos ensued as both sides went in the hunt for the killer blow. The officials had inexplicably found 6 minutes of time added on, generally from their own incompetence and, obviously with this being Boro, it would be in the final of those 6 added minutes that a ball over the top found Boro completely exposed down the right and the lucky bastards kept their cool and slotted home.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Shit 1st half. Set up was all wrong and we couldn't handle them. Superb spirit and fight in the 2nd, against a side who ended the day top of the pile. Good solid debut from "Davro" Dormer too.
If we could just stop conceding goals we'd be a fucking tour de force.
We're gonna need a bigger boat for that "If"
ONWARDS
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